Updated: Feb 6
Death wants me. My life should have ended many times like some gunslinger in the Old West who died in their 30’s of “consumption” or some other mysterious organ-destroying ailment. But God and the Devil are going to have to fight for my soul a little longer, because I’m still here. I’ll climb any mountain, open my chakras, cast spells or summon the Guardians of the Four Elements before I retreat into the Big Sleep.
Don’t mistake my fight for flight. I’m not afraid to die. I actually welcome the next journey with open arms, but it’s not my time. If there’s one thing I am tired of running from, it’s myself. My ego has gotten me nowhere and it’s time I surrender to who I am. I’ve lived a life of extreme highs and debilitating lows. I’ve done television, runway modeling, had Hollywood script meetings and I’ve toured the US and Canada in rock bands, but I’ve also worked soul-sucking jobs for health insurance to cover my $5000 monthly medical expenses and I’ve had to move home multiple times, when things went south. But I’m still here. I’ve experienced profound, romantic love and have, more than once, felt suicidal heartbreak. I’ve been a paragon of health and fitness and found myself deep in drug addiction. I’ve had family and friends by my side through my most life-threatening moments, and I’ve been abandoned by some I thought would be with me until the end of time. But I’m still here.
I have unfinished business with this realm and Death is going to have try a hell of a lot harder than that if it wants me, because the fight goes both ways. If Death wants to be my arch-nemesis and engage in some cosmic battle, then I say, you better bring an army. I’ll kickbox in the rain, until my granuloma-filled lungs stop breathing, my heart ceases to beat from hypercalcemia, and my kidneys are all but shot in Stage Four failure. But I know the fight isn’t physical. Whatever form it takes. you’ll never find a more worthy or defiant adversary, because Winners Win and Fortune Favors the Bold. That’s the way of things. Death will have its time, that much is certain, but for now, I’m still here.